Patience

If forced to pick what my greatest (of many) weaknesses is, it's patience. I am, and have always been, entirely impatient for whatever comes next. I am great at making plans for things, but don't have the patience to do the little work day by day to reach the end goal of those plans. I'm too busy thinking about how I can better myself, improve my skills, improve my quality of life, improve my experiences to enjoy what I'm doing now and what I've got now and what I've done up til now. Normally this is the point in a diary or post where I break down my plan on how I'm going to harness this new found passion for whatever. I don't have a plan now. I wish I did because I'd like to go to sleep with some sense of making progress. But I think it's going to take more than a few rushed paragraphs to teach me to be patient. I'd like to attribute it to a living in the moment kind of thing but I don't think I really do that very often. Most of the time I feel disconnected from the "moment" and live somewhere in the prologue to the movie of my life. I'd like to change that. How do I change that. What do I want.

After all this time

Felt like I had the shit kicked out of my spirit yesterday. Exhausted and uncertain who I can trust anymore. Not even myself.

all hallow's eve

Tomorrow is Halloween, and the day we devote to pretending to be someone else. It's funny to think that for the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I'm no longer pretending to be someone else. (sort of emo, I know, but working something out) I'm not hiding the most important relationship to me anymore. I'm not pouring my time and energy into dreams that aren't going to come true. I'm not taking into consideration a million what-if scenarios anymore and trying to figure out what I would do.
I'm here. I'm now.
I'm not keeping my hair long because he liked it that way. I'm not spending my time writing to him, I'm spending it on me for me. I'm not trying to be his perfect girl, just myself.
It reminds me of the illustrations I saw in my sister's chemistry book recently. Elements combined, bonded together are a completely different substance than themselves on their own. Just now testing out what kind of element I am on my own.
Time to remember and put time into my own dreams.

A case of the Mondays

I have a love-hate relationship with Mondays. Sometimes you hate having to face the work week, sometimes you love the fresh start the beginning of the week brings. Sometimes you're running late to everything and sometimes you're just in time for everything.
Today was a love day. Work picked up and was nice and busy; I ran 22 minutes of 2-minute intervals (2 run, 2 walk); and I got to talk to a good old friend of mine. He's doing really well and it was so good to hear from him.
A great day...but then I also have a love-hate relationship with Tuesdays . . . .

Wicked good weekend

Just had a brilliant weekend! My sister was here visiting - we spent her first night in town catching up over dinner at yaffa cafe. It sounds weird but it's really great to see her growing up. We got pumpkin pie dumplings for dessert and since we were both a little sick we went to bed at a reasonable hour, 12 or so. At 7am I hit the snooze button as we both groggily decided that breakfast was less important than sleeping in for another hour. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
Friday I was at work while she explored (read: shopped) soho. Then we went back home, got costumed and went to my friend's Halloween party. She was Minnie Mouse and I rocked an old red wig as Lola from run lola run. The party was super fun and it was really great to have the little sis meet all my friends.
Also, Saw the best couples costume at the party ever: garden gnome and pink flamingo. Amazing.
Saturday we had brunch at 7a and saw the tsp dog Halloween costume parade. Then we went over to the apt on 5th. New kitten is sooo freaking cute - siamese and so soft and playful! then it was off to times square, picked up tickets, went into a few stores, took pictures, got terriyaki for dinner and went back to the apartment.
Dressed and went
to
see
Wicked.
so good. still processing how great it was. so so so good.

It was so good to see her and it felt really good to talk to someone as openly and honestly as I used to do with C. Someone who understands me in the most fundamental ways. This whole weekend was like a vacation and I felt for the first time that I might be healing.

ready to run

Wake up fails.
anxious. missing. restless.
yet again.

like a handball

fail. didn't get up at 6.... got up at 7 today, though! going to try for that again tomorrow, too. felt good not to be in a rush in the am.

sleepy tired now.
i feel like making something. don't know what yet . . . . some decoration for my clean pristine walls!