all hallow's eve

Tomorrow is Halloween, and the day we devote to pretending to be someone else. It's funny to think that for the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I'm no longer pretending to be someone else. (sort of emo, I know, but working something out) I'm not hiding the most important relationship to me anymore. I'm not pouring my time and energy into dreams that aren't going to come true. I'm not taking into consideration a million what-if scenarios anymore and trying to figure out what I would do.
I'm here. I'm now.
I'm not keeping my hair long because he liked it that way. I'm not spending my time writing to him, I'm spending it on me for me. I'm not trying to be his perfect girl, just myself.
It reminds me of the illustrations I saw in my sister's chemistry book recently. Elements combined, bonded together are a completely different substance than themselves on their own. Just now testing out what kind of element I am on my own.
Time to remember and put time into my own dreams.

A case of the Mondays

I have a love-hate relationship with Mondays. Sometimes you hate having to face the work week, sometimes you love the fresh start the beginning of the week brings. Sometimes you're running late to everything and sometimes you're just in time for everything.
Today was a love day. Work picked up and was nice and busy; I ran 22 minutes of 2-minute intervals (2 run, 2 walk); and I got to talk to a good old friend of mine. He's doing really well and it was so good to hear from him.
A great day...but then I also have a love-hate relationship with Tuesdays . . . .

Wicked good weekend

Just had a brilliant weekend! My sister was here visiting - we spent her first night in town catching up over dinner at yaffa cafe. It sounds weird but it's really great to see her growing up. We got pumpkin pie dumplings for dessert and since we were both a little sick we went to bed at a reasonable hour, 12 or so. At 7am I hit the snooze button as we both groggily decided that breakfast was less important than sleeping in for another hour. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
Friday I was at work while she explored (read: shopped) soho. Then we went back home, got costumed and went to my friend's Halloween party. She was Minnie Mouse and I rocked an old red wig as Lola from run lola run. The party was super fun and it was really great to have the little sis meet all my friends.
Also, Saw the best couples costume at the party ever: garden gnome and pink flamingo. Amazing.
Saturday we had brunch at 7a and saw the tsp dog Halloween costume parade. Then we went over to the apt on 5th. New kitten is sooo freaking cute - siamese and so soft and playful! then it was off to times square, picked up tickets, went into a few stores, took pictures, got terriyaki for dinner and went back to the apartment.
Dressed and went
to
see
Wicked.
so good. still processing how great it was. so so so good.

It was so good to see her and it felt really good to talk to someone as openly and honestly as I used to do with C. Someone who understands me in the most fundamental ways. This whole weekend was like a vacation and I felt for the first time that I might be healing.

ready to run

Wake up fails.
anxious. missing. restless.
yet again.

like a handball

fail. didn't get up at 6.... got up at 7 today, though! going to try for that again tomorrow, too. felt good not to be in a rush in the am.

sleepy tired now.
i feel like making something. don't know what yet . . . . some decoration for my clean pristine walls!

what is in a month?

summer months keep flying by. just like the spring ones did, the winter ones kind of overstayed their welcome, but the fall months flew by, too. Half the times I look at a calendar i think, "It's the beginning/middle/end of WHAT month?" out of astonishment that days, weeks, nights and months go by without me really realizing it. Without me taking advantage of this beautiful thing called time. It's hard to think that I'm going to be 23 years old this year.
23 years old and I still can't wake up in the morning.
I just watched this great TED video about trying something new for 30 days and it inspired me to wake up at 6 am for 30 days. So tomorrow is day 1: tuesday July 19. 6am. I'm not going to sleep in, I'm not going to miss my alarm, I'm going to bed in 30 minutes!
6.5 hours of sleep here I come!

Thoughts after Zooming along the Inside Passage

Alaska. Back to NY. Robert visiting. Back to work. Friends over. UCB x2. Harry Potter midnight premiere. Harry Potter musical. Dinner out. Feel like I haven't stopped moving since stepping on the cruise ship. And now that I've got a day to do nothing I find Belle syndrome kicking in.
Met so many people in Alaska, saw so many different kinds of life. In between our various activities I'd look out the windows of the ship as we flew past mountain after mountain and wonder about picking up everything for a few years and either traveling or going into something like the peace corp. What if I was in a place that smelled like fresh air all the time and not just every time you passed a park (and even then you get wiffs of garbage and dog shit).
Something my roommate said a long time ago is finally getting to me: "You have to ask yourself, what did I do for my career today?"
So today I watched the pilot of The league. And I'm writing here. It's been a long time since I wrote something in this - almost a year. I don't want another year to pass by without eRecording what it's meant.

Been thinking a lot, too, about my generation, my time, my era and my place in it. About what it means and how I can bring meaning to it. This is a start, I think, to finding the balance we're looking for. And something that can't be written off.

*sidenote: my air conditioner just kicked up and it sounds like a garbage disposal. I wish it worked like my grandparent's TV - where when it started to get too staticy and loud we just gave it a nice slap in the "sweet spot" on the right side and it would be normal again for ten minutes.*